Unstable Emotions

The title of this post describes what I have been feeling over the past few months. Despite more things going well than not around me, I’ve been experiencing a constant shift in my emotions throughout each day.

I could wake up one morning, pumped and ready to go to work, but halfway through the day some mild level of depression would creep up on me. Following that, past memories of events that made me sad or angry creep back up. And I could feel the emotions as if it was happening now. What’s worse is that my mind automatically started speculating what would happen if that event had continued or started worsening, then the corresponding emotions would come as well. Likewise, any present form of uncomfortable confrontation or abrasiveness towards me easily sets off my unstable emotions. When it happens, I have this feeling of just wanting to curl up inside a blanket and not look outside.

Simply put, I haven’t been emotionally healthy. It feels as if there is some kind of unexplained event happening, as if something or someone is telling me I need to take a break from all the activity that has gone on in the past few years.

I still can’t pinpoint what is causing this. Sometimes I think it’s a job that is no longer bringing personal satisfaction, but a part of me thinks it’s something much deeper than that.  But I do acknowledge that I am suffering from this. I don’t want to think of it as a kind of disease, I know it can be fixed and I will fix it. So as I write this blog post, it’s really for me to let off some steam, and not a cry for help (but any comments or messages would be gratefully received). I’ve actually put forth a plan to get better at a meditation retreat. It’s something I have never done before, but my gut feeling tells me only good can come from it.

Reflection

It’s been a while since I’ve written, and I do wonder if anyone ever reads what I write. But regardless I find that WordPress can be very theuraputic for me, especially when I need to get something off my chest.

Over the past few months, during my quiet times my mind has naturally been pondering about what makes me happy. Not to say that I didn’t care to think about it before, but it never quite occured to me to put much thought into it. My only conlusion was that I was indeed happy before, but something is missing now that is preventing me from finding my own happiness.

Like others, I first thought it had to do with not making enough money. Despite hearing the ever popular phrase, “money doesn’t make you happy,” my mind still drifted towards this direction. Year after year I made more money, sometimes little, sometimes much more. At first it seemed like I was happy, but only after it was all said and done, I realized it was more of the initial thrill. This was the case with my investment properties. The first one was great, but each subsequent one, even though the return was much better, were not giving me the same sense of satisfaction.

Then I thought maybe I needed a life partner or at least a committed relationship. Now I have a girlfriend, and she does bring great joy to my life. However, something is still missing. She cannot be the source of my happiness – she has to be the person I want to share my happiness with. However, I don’t have that happiness at the moment to share with her.

My next guess is almost certain – I’m not finding the same satisfaction in my career as I once did. I remember 6 years back when I started my job, it felt like one of the most happiest times of my life. I had less money then, didn’t have any investments, and nor did I have a girlfriend. But I did find satisfaction in what I did each day in the office. I came in and my job was to make things better – that plain and simple. It did hit me today: now I am being asked simply to make things work (even if we’re worse off), instead of making things work better. I won’t get into the details, but like most large companies it boils down to corporate politics.

I certainly know now that a change in my career is needed – whether it be from my own actions or not, continuing down the same path won’t get better. And what’s so different now is the change must come from me. From grade school to college, change was the norm and unavoidable. We constantly changed classes, met new classmates, and found new internships. Things were always fresh and always new – but we take it for granted because it came to us and was something we HAD to do. It’s different now because for most of us, we go in everyday to the same desk and coworkers, and while there are changes, it’s minimal compared to what we experienced during our younger years.

I have some plans in place, and I’ll update more as I move along.