It’s been almost six months since the meditation retreat. I am still feeling the effects from the trip, and continue the practice on a somewhat consistent basis. In my last post in August about my initial reactions, I wrote about how my mind was more disconnected from my emotions. What this ultimately meant is that we are able to really see things as they are.
There are essentially two components to seeing things are they are. The first thing is objective observation. Its like seeing reality – but for real. Seeing things without the clutter and mess. With this said, the reality can be of a few results – you don’t care for it, you really like it, or you really dislike it. The first two are kind of nice, because the reaction is things end up bothering you less and you find the things that you cherish more than you realized.
The tough one is seeing things as it is, but it ends up being something you don’t like. It can be your friends, your job, your living situation – really anything that your mind can process. I found this rather difficult to digest because those things are the things I cherished before. A good comparison would be an ex-partner of yours. Many of us may find it hard to break up with someone, as obvious of a jerk they may be, because there was probably a point in the relationship in which that person felt like a good fit. Our refusal of letting go of the good past is causing us to endure pain and madness in the present. Does that make sense?
My observation has given me clarity to something that isn’t what I once thought it was (from good to bad), but a part of me is challenged with the difficulty of letting go of it. From reflecting back on the teachings from those 10 days, its no surprise that this happened. In fact, it is expected any practitioner of this method will go through this.
The result is that I’ve gone through iterations of depression, questioning my ability to deal with life and its challenges. Prior to the retreat, my neglect of true observation left me somewhere in the middle, where I couldn’t see the good or the bad. The difficult lies in my emotions to process this. My mind, on the other hand, knows that this will resolve itself in due time – except that it doesn’t know how long it will take. Patience is definitely a virtue.